Promising year ahead, 2014

So fast, so fast , is almost year end. When a lot of people is thinking about the decoration for the Christmas tree, I am pondering in my own self.. seem confused, unmotivated, unrest , just to say a few. Rather? is this related to my current pregnancy stage of 29 weeks. Wow! Amazing.

Year 2014

Promised a baby boy for me.. I am anticipated the birth of this little brother for Chloe.  How the life would be with this new member in the family? Can I cope between be a good mother and a good employee? Will I drained ? Oh.. how the rest of the year would be for me?

Chloe is going to be 4 this year. I felt like something hitting hard on my head..you mean 4? It means I need to work more on her academic development soon. There is a lot of expectation for the pre-schooler nowadays.

Mother has been complaining about the numbness on his body recently.. I am worried. This year I will work harder on the family health.

How about my online business? I am going to brush it well starting from this year. You know , I am a kind of procrastinating one.. in a comfort zone. haizz...

This year also will decide my career path, whether I will be a full time mother or stay as an effective employee.. honestly, I like my job, minus the little pressure I get sometime.

I thinks hub is the person I most neglected..this year I need to work on the relationship.. reminding why I marry him ##wink wink..

For the coming year, I hope I will be organize and the sailing will be smoother..

HAPPY NEW YEAR !!

Decision to be full time mother

Before she was born, is my grand-est wish that I will be able to take care my own child. However, due to something 'happen' , I need to draw back this thinking for moments. Now the things come back to me again...

 

The things has been lingering in my mind since now and then.

Question 1
You need the job or the job need you?

Question 2
Few years down the road will you regret with your decision?

Question 3
How much you gain and loss? Have you counted well?

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This is self questions and answers section ;)

 

For questions 1.
I am thankful to hubs that actually he has provide me with financial stability. Though I am working now, my pays just enough for my own debts. This mean that I am not contributing to household income and things may be alright if I stay home and take care the kids. Counting the monthly childcare we need to spent monthly really do not worth it. Say me a calculative one!! So now, back to the question, job need me or I need job?  Presently I think my child needs me more. Who can love and can care for them as much as me? I am nothing to the world but a whole world for my child.

 

For question 2.
R.e.g.r.e.t is painful even when it is spelled , what to say when you are in it. If I am a working mum, I wont regret for the amount of financial freedom I have, the 'me' time that I am longing, the job achievement and the society perspective on me. Ironically,  society respect you when you says you work in certain organization compare to when you describe them how your child get a balance diet each day. But. . I will regret if my own child is not properly taken care of, if I am not the one who mould their personality, if one day she decided to let go of me because we lack...so called connection or in the simple word ..there is gap. My heart sank and self blame for her constipation few weeks back. If I am at home,  caring for her diet , she wont need to go through the ordeal. Maybe I wont regret, because my reward is seeing them grow up everyday.. and that is so warm!...

 

For question 3.

I have a blank mind onto answering the question now...

 

opps....

My thought at 20 weeks of pregnancy

A letter to my own self.

You are great at current stage. Confident, happy, contented and gosh ..are easily tired too. You are able to absorb that little kind of preassure from your current job position. Although, ya I havent finish, you are planning something at your head. Your long term planning is how to be able to work from home. Hmmmm...

You condemned yourself of your initial thought to send CHLOE to her grandmother. Yes, she has been demanding to be carried by you. Only that...and a little big fussy lately. It will passed.. she needs that little assurance that she still hold the crown in your heart. Actually, you are relieved that you didnt make that decision. Isnt it the most happiest thing to see growth of you both children?

You only hope to see the healthiest baby in 4 months time. Oh! How lovely it is to be able to hug that little life soon.

Love,
Me

Her meltdown

She has been very hard to 'settle' lately. Daddy has losing his cool few time and spanked her butt on few occasion.

        Last Saturday is another meltdown drama. We are back from nanny house and it her nap time. I am also look forward to lay flat. She was so engaged to her cartoon at Ipad and do not want to sleep.

I keep the Ipad high.

She cried.. hardly.

I try to reason.. she hits me.

Shouting and crying like tornado just-visit.

I lost myself. I lift up my hand ( the same hand that i use to caress her, hug her, make her food, etc) and spank her hard on her butt near the thigh. I could feel my hand swelling hot.

She do no give up.. still insisting the ipad!

I get mad uncontrolled.

I spank again.  My hand is hot and swell.. but my heart is even pain.

Now, she settled.

I shouted at her " Take you bottle and lay down" she obeyed.  I relief...in a few second she fall asleep.


*******************************

Last night, she almost get the same treat again..

But, me been wiser by time..divided her attention and managed to settle her peacefully.

If you ask me, which path i will choose, i will say the second.  Is better divide her attention , that give her a spank-STOP order.

Chloe 1st drawing

Mummy proud of your drawing! By the way, it is face.
3y2day

She is so simple

                                     I draw a smile face on her fingers and she simply adore it.

2mth to 3yo

Guilt of FTWM

After Chloe is one, i quickly decided that i should go back to workforce.  I should share the financial burden for the sole breadwinner then.

During those time, with single income, it was hard. i had to count on every cents that we use, i sell unused things online , be very thrifty on spending and save a lot through breasfeeding.

Everytime she falls asleep, i will be online, searching for any possible job or business opportunity then. It is really tiring, both mentally and physically.

Fast forward, now i am FTWM ( 1y6m), the guilt always beat me hard.  How loving it is too be able to witness her growth everyday...she grows every second.

I remember one incident when my current nanny had an emergency week long leave, i have no choice but put her with a new temporary one..
How my heart wrench..
I keep self -blaming..
I cry..
Somehow, that day i manage to survive without having any meals..and not hungry, but feeling grieve.

I know one day, i will decide to leave the desk i work again, but i need to make sure we can survive financially.

What i want Chloe to think of her mom?
Yes, the one who able to be with her whenever she needs her. We can do nothing, just hugging together, feeling the wrath of skin. That's it!




Disclaimer: All the opinion are mine and right at the time of writing.

Saturday Afternoon

I just love it!

Ya, people  may enjoy friday night,where they go for drink and cinema, i dread too, but i have a better task at home..taking care of my little girl. I enjoy  it.

But, i prefer saturday afternoon, i worked in the morning on typical one, then fetch her and 'manage' to tug her to sleep.

AT least 2-3 hours. Voila! Is my turn to be alone,in private,enjoy doing what i want to do and you know..just do nothing...laze around....

Though, seriously, i folded the cloths,wash the plates,and do the house cleaning things..with someone in the dreamland. Is an enjoyment! Is part of my release as full time working mum.

How about you?

Follow mummy to work

Today is the last day Chloe follow me to office..all because her nanny is back after a week long has ended.

I have a very mixed feeling..

Happy because, finally i have my own space and no need to attend her demands- milking, scissoring, glueing, ramsack my drawers, scratch on my paper load and clinging like sticker glue.

Sad because, it means i will have lesser  time with her.. By the way , i only work in the morning and on leave at afternoon.

Know how to behave?

Last night , i was not well- having a flu.

So, Chloe and her daddy going to the group meeting themselves.  This is the 1st time i ever let the daddy and her daughter to go out themselves.

Before they leave:

Mummy: You can take care her or not?

 (worried,as you know, daddy was never as caring and as attentive as mummy)

Daddy: No problem. Chloe, go and change your clothes.

Then, i have my good rest from 8.00 pm until i heard sounds again.. yes they are back.

Daddy: Chloe is so guai (good).  Sit still and behaving nicely. So easy to take care.

> < !!! Seem that, i am the one being bullied by her, as when i am the one who take care her, i need to attend to her unreasonable, insisting demands.

Should sharp up my parenting skills....sob sob..

Stop the night cry ..

If you can meet my husband this morning, he will tell you how tense our morning today.
I am angry, translated not satisfy, filled with anger, feeling under appreciated, feeling under valued and back slide.  I don't speak a word today.

To bring in the story..

It happens that Chloe of 2y9 m is sick. It means no peaceful minutes in the house.
My patients really sum up.. with her unreasonable cry and demand.

Asking cold yogurt drink at 3.00 am in the morning! ( which i gave in after half and hour)
Asking me to refill her drink bottle 3-4 times a night ( is midnight) just for the sake of filling it.
Instructing my sleeping position and get frustrated if i disobey.
Insisting to watch cartoon at wee hours
Crying with unknown reason.

Heck! Is midnight everyone!

I am having a frac-tu-red - not quality sleep for nights.

So tense. > <

During these days, a lot of negative thought may creep in which injecting danger to the relationship.

Relationship needs to nurture and it takes time to build the bridge and a second to collapse it.







My dear daughter,

I am a lousy mum as you know. I never know why are you crying so intensely at night. Are you trying to test our patient or just practising your vocal?

Remember when you are 4 months old, that the first time you cry at night and it continue until now. Luckily, as you grow bigger, the cry subside and mummy have a few peaceful night in a row which mummy appreciate so much.

Hope night cry will become a past tense very soon..thank you very much dear!
May the God shower you with a lot of love and care.

Love-you-no-matter-what ,
Mum.

Happy farm anyone?

During my recent stay at my mother in law house for 2013 CNY something just caught my attention  and i simply love these.

If you are a person  surviving at a small confined place with no extra soil for gardening.. you will like this.

Spring onion

Ya,you no need large farm to get your own fresh, pesticide -free vegetable. 

Fresh...worry-free for consumption.. MIL said that she also sell some to nearby market when the supply exceed demand.

Car wash

While waiting the car been washed. Our Chloe of 2y6m

Mum n Daughter morning

This morning, hubby still work despite it is gazetted holiday in Malaysia. His alarm make it ways.. and i simply ignore and hubby need to eat his breakfast alone today.  I have been suffering from lack of sleep and thus today is the day to recuperate..

So, the second disturbance this morning..  Climb on me..and guess what else.. a happily awaken tots,practising her gymnastic skills on our bed, i mean me and hubby bed. While i am happy to see her, it also officially declared the end of my slumbering. I tickled her, make funny face at her.. and she manages to sing songs to me too.. The weather is so fine right!Everything is so perfect!

Then, she requested to read books.. we read for 10 minutes..before headed to wash ourselves.


Isn't life so beautiful...

I need Sleep!

Dear Sleep,

I need you so much.. especially if i can embrace you so much during the tough night. Last night was the  tough night, baby whined a lot and i really miss you.

Since my status changed ( as mother) , i dont ever have you enough.

Every night, when the baby wails like crazy and i don't know what she wants, i really hope that someone can bang my head hard, so that i can faint for a while.

BUT if you ask me whether i love you or my baby.. i am really sorry to dissapoint you..
I love my Baby more.. and she has stolen you from me.

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Disclaimer: Above statement written by sleep deprived mother

Mei mei

Chloe at 2y6m..

Scenario: As usual, we are on the way back from nanny house..we saw a mother walking together with her toddler child..

Baby:Mummy,  didi (brother in mandarin).
(pointing to the direction of the women)

Mummy: Yes, is didi
(feeling rather suprise that she can actually differentiate between girl and boy)

Then, the quick-responded mother ask with grin.

Mummy: En En (her home-name) , you want didi or meimei (sister).

This time i get the answer


















Baby: Meimei..

I guess it make me more anticipated for the big day to come..but  any way..i am not pregnant yet, but according to planning.. is soon-to-be news.

No matter what, the most important thing is getting a healthy one... the rest God has prepared.