Decision to be full time mother

Before she was born, is my grand-est wish that I will be able to take care my own child. However, due to something 'happen' , I need to draw back this thinking for moments. Now the things come back to me again...

 

The things has been lingering in my mind since now and then.

Question 1
You need the job or the job need you?

Question 2
Few years down the road will you regret with your decision?

Question 3
How much you gain and loss? Have you counted well?

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This is self questions and answers section ;)

 

For questions 1.
I am thankful to hubs that actually he has provide me with financial stability. Though I am working now, my pays just enough for my own debts. This mean that I am not contributing to household income and things may be alright if I stay home and take care the kids. Counting the monthly childcare we need to spent monthly really do not worth it. Say me a calculative one!! So now, back to the question, job need me or I need job?  Presently I think my child needs me more. Who can love and can care for them as much as me? I am nothing to the world but a whole world for my child.

 

For question 2.
R.e.g.r.e.t is painful even when it is spelled , what to say when you are in it. If I am a working mum, I wont regret for the amount of financial freedom I have, the 'me' time that I am longing, the job achievement and the society perspective on me. Ironically,  society respect you when you says you work in certain organization compare to when you describe them how your child get a balance diet each day. But. . I will regret if my own child is not properly taken care of, if I am not the one who mould their personality, if one day she decided to let go of me because we lack...so called connection or in the simple word ..there is gap. My heart sank and self blame for her constipation few weeks back. If I am at home,  caring for her diet , she wont need to go through the ordeal. Maybe I wont regret, because my reward is seeing them grow up everyday.. and that is so warm!...

 

For question 3.

I have a blank mind onto answering the question now...

 

opps....

Her meltdown

She has been very hard to 'settle' lately. Daddy has losing his cool few time and spanked her butt on few occasion.

        Last Saturday is another meltdown drama. We are back from nanny house and it her nap time. I am also look forward to lay flat. She was so engaged to her cartoon at Ipad and do not want to sleep.

I keep the Ipad high.

She cried.. hardly.

I try to reason.. she hits me.

Shouting and crying like tornado just-visit.

I lost myself. I lift up my hand ( the same hand that i use to caress her, hug her, make her food, etc) and spank her hard on her butt near the thigh. I could feel my hand swelling hot.

She do no give up.. still insisting the ipad!

I get mad uncontrolled.

I spank again.  My hand is hot and swell.. but my heart is even pain.

Now, she settled.

I shouted at her " Take you bottle and lay down" she obeyed.  I relief...in a few second she fall asleep.


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Last night, she almost get the same treat again..

But, me been wiser by time..divided her attention and managed to settle her peacefully.

If you ask me, which path i will choose, i will say the second.  Is better divide her attention , that give her a spank-STOP order.

Guilt of FTWM

After Chloe is one, i quickly decided that i should go back to workforce.  I should share the financial burden for the sole breadwinner then.

During those time, with single income, it was hard. i had to count on every cents that we use, i sell unused things online , be very thrifty on spending and save a lot through breasfeeding.

Everytime she falls asleep, i will be online, searching for any possible job or business opportunity then. It is really tiring, both mentally and physically.

Fast forward, now i am FTWM ( 1y6m), the guilt always beat me hard.  How loving it is too be able to witness her growth everyday...she grows every second.

I remember one incident when my current nanny had an emergency week long leave, i have no choice but put her with a new temporary one..
How my heart wrench..
I keep self -blaming..
I cry..
Somehow, that day i manage to survive without having any meals..and not hungry, but feeling grieve.

I know one day, i will decide to leave the desk i work again, but i need to make sure we can survive financially.

What i want Chloe to think of her mom?
Yes, the one who able to be with her whenever she needs her. We can do nothing, just hugging together, feeling the wrath of skin. That's it!




Disclaimer: All the opinion are mine and right at the time of writing.